Blue Bikini
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: Girls are a lot like guinea pigs. Some have stripes, some are spotted. Some are sweet and others like to nibble on your fingers. Tammy? She's another story all together. My experimental girlfriend, my guinea pig, so to speak. CraigxTammy. One-shot.


**Another silly one-shot... but this one is with CraigxTammy. **

**I like this couple for some odd reason. The whore with the asexual isn't anything necessarily original but it's sweet and funny.**

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><p>Where do I even start?<p>

Girls are a lot like guinea pigs.

Each guinea pig is different. Some have stripes, some are spotted. Some are sweet and others like to nibble on your fingers.

But Tammy is a type of guinea pig that is constantly trying her hardest for attention. The type that would squeal in its cage at all hours of the night. The one type that would bite me just so I would show it some sort of attention, whether it's good or bad.

She's my experimental girlfriend, my guinea pig, so to speak.

The bubbly brunette flings the car door open and squeezes inside. "Oh my god, I'm so excited to try this on!" she squeals even louder, breaking the sound barrier and holds up her plastic bag with glee. "_Oh my god!_"

"God's not here at the moment but I'll take a message for him." My face is stuck in that permanent blank expression, even when I make a joke. The best thing about being plain and boring, I can say whatever I want. It's hard to distinguish an insult from a joke.

I slide into the driver's seat, trying my hardest not to strangle the girl who decided to wake me up at seven in the morning to... do this. "And that's the last time you drag me into one of those stores… even if it's just for a bikini."

"Oh come on, it was just a sex store. Usually, people with healthy relationships visit places like that to buy something that will spice up the bland." she says it so simply. Like, we had just visited my grandmother's house.

Oh, grandma... I love those double ended dildos, black is your color.

"People with healthy relationships don't need spice." I mutter under my breath, starting my cheap ass car and speeding off to the next ramp to the highway.

"We're you intimidated by all those toys?" Tammy says devilishly, her fingers creeping up my shoulder. "I could always buy one for us. Spice up our relationship."

Tammy just broke two rules.

"Personal space," With one hand, I reach out and shove her back into the passenger seat. "And there is no way I'm ever having sex with you. Ever."

"I want kissies. Craigy-poo, how can I lavish you with kissies from all the way over here?" The brunette held a finger to her pouty lips, trying to seem innocent.

That's a laugh. If she's innocent, I'm not an asexual, Kenny's still a virgin and Lizzy isn't fucking Kevin.

"I don't like people touching me."

And just like that, the conversation did a 180 flip and somehow she's back on the conversation of her bikini. "I just love this to death. It's blue, my favorite color."

That's a lie. Her favorite color is red. She rummages through her bag and pulls out the 'string' and holds it up. "These D cups need special care."

Ugh, she didn't break a rule but I wish she did.

"Do you have to flaunt your cup size every day?" I slam my hands on the steering wheel, a scowl forming on my blank façade. "For example, that's like me saying, 'oh yeah, I love underwear but I can't wear them because of my twelve-inch dick' all the time."

Tammy becomes really quiet and gives a funny look in my direction. Maybe it was starting to sink in? She snaps her fingers and brightens. "So, that's why you don't have any underwear. Ohoho! Someone call the tabloids, I found the Loch Ness monster and it hiding out in Craig's pants."

I roll my eyes, shifting my eyes back to the highway. Twelve inches? Really? That's just gross. I'm not even close. Not that I care about size, I never use it anyways.

…And Tweek has most, if not all my underwear. That twitcher loses his… somehow. But I wouldn't tell her. That would just give her more fire power.

Tammy whines, kicking her feet a like a little girl who didn't get a pony for Christmas. "If I'm going to be your experimental girlfriend, please for the love of god lighten up. I'm just poking fun. You know, for shit and giggles."

I didn't even look at her. She should know me by now.

"You're so... lame!" she falls back in her seat dramatically. "No sex, no laughing, no jokes... No fun."

Bitch.

"When I asked you out, I thought you'd be like… I dunno, not completely obsessed with putting phallic shaped objects in your mouth. You know, like a book-worm or a quirky cat lady like Kenny and Clyde told me you were." I explain, "I like things boring and the same. So no, I don't just 'lighten up'."

I had admittedly never dated girl. Or anyone. Ever. I'm an asexual and I was just curious around the time at college. I didn't know much about girls or anything like that. I thought they wore makeup because they were freakishly ugly and they wore perfume because they smelled like shit.

I was kinda right.

"Craig, this bikini is just me!" The topic once again went back to that fucking bikini. Again she lifts the top to her chest. "Well, what do you think my dearest boyfriend? I think it's pretty modest. At least it covers up the nipples, right?"

"It's…" I keep a steady hand on the wheel, rubbing my forehead. Getting way too much of Tammy and I'm overdosing. "It's something, alright… Yeah." A little Tammy goes a long way.

She brings out the bottoms, laying them in her lap. It's still just as teeny tiny. And when it came to Tammy, there was nothing left to the imagination. It was all there, flopping out in the wind.

"You didn't have to buy it for me. I mean, I have money. I'm not _that_ poor." she pouts.

"Isn't that what boyfriends are supposed to do?" I scoff, turning my attention back to the road.

And before you say anything, Tammy wasn't exactly my first choice of girls. As you can see she isn't cream of the crop.

Surprise, surprise.

While looking through all the potential guinea pigs, I found a few I actually sorta okay with. Red, Annie, Rebecca… people who were boring and actually normal.

Then Kenny and Clyde came along and fucked it all up.

Kenny said: 'Tammy's the epitome of a woman you'd want. She's friendly… Shaped like an eight, and a fun ride for anyone just starting out in the dating world. And someone you like to… come to see. Over and over and over again until your dick is limp and your balls turn blue.' then he turned to Clyde and high-fived him.

…Whatever that all meant.

And now I'm stuck with her until this little experiment comes to an end. When I figure out what the big hoopla is about dating.

I stiffen when the radio flicks over to a boy band. I give the little whore bag a glare and flip it back to AM radio. Tammy flicks it back defiantly and I change it back. Back and forth from her changing it to me flicking it back, she finally huffed and was defeated. I grin triumphantly but not for long…

Her head went in my lap.

I jump in surprise. The sudden jerk made the wheel swerve and my car had followed it to the right. My car almost clips the semi beside us. Yup, we almost died. With an angry grunt, I grab a fist full of her hair, tugging her up towards me. She lets out an obnoxious moan.

"Are you trying to kill us all? Personal space must mean nothing to you." I extend my arm, releasing her hair and set her back in her spot. "God, it's like dating Clyde."

"How did you know I liked it rough?" Tammy titters, touching her head with a big grin. She must be expecting me to shout, 'go for it'.

She's a twat. A twat waffle.

"Leave me alone."

"You don't want road head then?" she whimpers, pointing to her mouth and even as going as far as taking her index fingers and stretching her mouth wide open. "I'm really good at it! You won't even notice I have teeth." she garbles.

I shake my head silently.

"Not even a little tug on your one-eyed yogurt slinger?" Tammy's hand slides over to my lap, playing with my zipper and I promptly slap it away.

"Does the term asexual mean nothing to you? I'm not interested."

Tammy scoots back in her seat, scoffing. "You don't want me touching you. You don't want to touch me. Talk about the ultimate cocktease. But how I can repay you for buying me such a lovely gift?"

"You being quite for more than a few minutes would be nice-"

"As a thank you gift," She announces loudly, cutting me off. Tammy twists towards me with a bikini top in hand. "You will see me in this."

"Goodie." The sarcastic remark almost flies out automatically. Then suddenly, a red haze fills my vision. At first I thought I went blind as my hand grasps fabric and I sling it off my face. It was a shirt. Not just any shirt... her shirt.

I glower over at the girl who was fumbling with her bra clips.

"Are you really going to do this on the highway?"I let my usual voice come out in a strong and stern yell. Now she's just being ridiculous and I have to act like my mother and scold this twenty something girl... no, woman. "There is a time and place to-"

A leopard print bra lands in my lap, cutting me off mid-rant.

Intrigued, I glance at it and then I glance to her.

She was struggling with the strings of the blue... strings, bending over and tying it haphazardly. Tammy lets out a laugh and sits up suddenly. "Aha!" she bounces her chest purposely. The bikini was obviously too small, straining to stay on. "See? It's cute!"

"Whatever," I huff. At least that's over...

"One more piece and it shall be completed!" she squeals.

"Wait, wait… what?" Before I could finish my thought she was already undoing her shorts and lifting her legs on the dashboard, shimmying out of them.

Fuck this.

I ignore her. She's just trying desperately to get my attention like usual. That guinea pig is nothing but a thorn in my side. So far I haven't learned anything from dating her.

I grunt as I feel a shoe push on my cheek, knocking me into my door as I just almost get hit by someone coming off a ramp. I could see something lacy come into view and I grimace, my voice shaking in anger, "Don't you dare throw that ass floss at me."

"Craig, do you like panty lines? Is that what's hot to you?" her shoe removes itself from my cheek. "Besides, I know how you are about undies. Seeing as you have none because of that monster in your pants."

A bit of fiddling and legs flying around, I hear her cheer. "Yay!" I glance over just to look past her, seeing the same semi I almost had hit. He seems like he enjoyed the show. I speed up and cut him off, raising my middle finger up in the rear view mirror. Fucking pervert.

Red and blue reflects back in my eyes not too soon after. In the rear view mirror there was no longer was a semi. Now a highway trooper. Great, I flipped off a cop. I curse loudly, coming to halt on the side of the highway. The cruiser stops just behind me. Great.

Tammy peers to me anxiously and glances at the side mirror. She smiles sheepishly. "Oops?"

I turn to her, my fingers crinkling out, ready to catch her throat. I could feel my usual monotone façade turning into an angry one. I hear a few taps on the window. My attention turns to it, I reach down to the handle and roll it down manually.

And just like that, my guinea pig girlfriend does it again.

My voice is drowned out by the brunette's. "Hi Mr. Officer!" The cop bends down, his sunglasses drooping down his nose to get a real good look at this circus act.

"Officer." I grumble.

"Isn't it a little cold to be wearing something like that?" he drawls out to Tammy, switching his attention to me. "How fast you think you two were going? Trying to get to the beach or somethin'?"

"He doesn't know. Craig was too busy talking to me."

I crane my head over to the brunette and I give her the best glare I could muster. I bet there was an explosion of flame in my eyes. Five minutes of discussing insurance, identification and all that bullshit and he gets back in his cruiser, sailing off.

And we were so close to South Park... I could see it in the distance. But he leaves me a little present. A ticket. "A two hundred-dollar date. God-fucking-dammit. I can barely afford my college shit and now there's this."

Tammy, instead of being pouty and sad, smiles. She rummages through her purse and pulls out a few bills. "I'll give you money to pay for it."

I look down to the money she sets in my hand. "Why?"

"Isn't that what girlfriends are supposed to do?" She leans in to kiss me and I move my head instinctively so the kiss lands on my cheek. "Alright, that' enough excitement for one day. Take me home."

And I do just that, happily I might add.

I creep into her 'driveway' and up to her small trailer. Tammy's still wearing that stupid-ass bikini too. "Thanks Craig, this was a lot of fun." she gathers up her clothes in a bundle and steps out into the frigid cold.

I spot a bit of animal print next to my foot and lift up the lone bra. "You left behind this."

Tammy turns and gives a playful grin, "Keep it and think of me. You're one and only Tammy." She gives a wink and laughs, shutting the car door, stumbling off awkwardly in the snow.

I peer down, examining the flimsy padded thing… I notice a little cloth tag sticking out and I squint reading the fine print.

C 34.

Ha, she's a little liar. I fling it off into the back seat to see that Tammy is waving to me exuberantly, jumping all around and being her usual bubbly self. I give a simple wave and she disappears behind her trailer door.

Girls are a lot like guinea pigs. Some have stripes, some are spotted. Some are sweet and others like to nibble on your fingers.

Tammy's my experimental girlfriend, my guinea pig...

And I guess it wouldn't be too much trouble to have her around for a bit longer.


End file.
